Trauma Bonding: What It Is, Signs and Where to Get Support

If you need help now

If you or someone else is in danger, or you have been threatened or hurt, call 000. For confidential counselling at any hour, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.⁴

What is trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding, or traumatic bonding, is a strong emotional attachment to a person who is abusive. The idea was set out by psychologists in the 1980s, who proposed that powerful attachments form when abuse is intermittent, meaning that mistreatment alternates with periods of warmth, apology or calm.¹

It is not a medical diagnosis. It is a way of explaining something that confuses people on the inside of an abusive relationship and people watching from outside: why someone can love, defend or go back to a person who hurts them.

The term is used for abusive partner relationships, and also for child abuse, trafficking and hostage situations, anywhere there is a clear imbalance of power.²

Why does it happen?

Two features of the relationship drive it:¹

• Intermittent abuse. Good periods follow bad ones. The relief and affection that come after mistreatment are felt intensely, and they keep hope alive that things will change.
• A power imbalance. One person controls the other, and the person being controlled comes to depend on them.

These were tested in a study of 75 women who had recently left abusive relationships. How extreme the swings between mistreatment and kindness had been, and how unequal the power was, predicted how attached the women still felt, how many trauma symptoms they had and how low their self-esteem was. Those relationship factors explained 55 per cent of the variation in attachment six months later.¹

How control builds the bond

The power imbalance is usually created on purpose. Coercive control is deliberate, ongoing behaviour to control another person through repeated harm, fear or isolation.⁴ It can include:⁴

• Cutting the person off from family and friends
• Controlling money, or stopping the person from working
• Blaming, belittling and making the person question their own sense of reality
• Monitoring or stalking

The more isolated someone becomes, the more the abusive person is their main source of both fear and comfort.

A survival response

Some researchers argue that what looks like attachment is often better described as appeasement: keeping an abusive person calm is a way of staying safe in a threatening situation, and it is driven by automatic survival responses, not by choice.²

Signs of trauma bonding

• You change your behaviour or avoid certain topics to keep the peace⁴
• You feel you deserve the treatment, or that you are to blame for it⁴
• You doubt your own worth or your memory of events⁵
• You defend the person to others, or hide what is happening
• You have stopped seeing friends or family⁴
• You want to leave and feel unable to, or you have left and gone back
• You focus on the good times and the person they are when things are calm

You are never to blame for someone else's behaviour.⁴

How common is abuse in relationships?

Common enough that many people reading this will recognise it. In the Australian Bureau of Statistics Personal Safety Survey:⁶

• 1 in 4 women (23 per cent) and 1 in 14 men (7.3 per cent) have experienced violence by an intimate partner since the age of 15
• 1 in 4 women (23 per cent) and 1 in 7 men (14 per cent) have experienced emotional abuse by a partner they lived with
• 1 in 6 women (16 per cent) and 1 in 13 men (7.8 per cent) have experienced economic abuse by a partner they lived with

Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse in any relationship, and it can happen with or without physical violence.⁵

The effect on mental health

Abuse by a partner takes a heavy toll. A pooled analysis of 201 studies covering more than 250,000 women found that those who had experienced partner violence had roughly two to three times the odds of depression and of post-traumatic stress disorder.³

Emotional abuse alone can lead to physical and mental health problems.⁵

Does the bond fade?

Yes. In the study of women who had left, attachment to the former partner had dropped by about 27 per cent six months after separation.¹ It does not switch off at once, and missing someone who hurt you is part of the pattern, not proof that you should go back.

Getting support

• 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. It runs 24 hours a day and has resources for making a safety plan.⁴
• MensLine Australia (1300 78 99 78) supports men with relationship problems, including men who experience or use violence.⁴
• Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) is a confidential counselling service for people aged 5 to 25.⁴
• Your GP can listen, document injuries, and refer you for counselling.
• Family and friends. If you think you are in an abusive relationship, reaching out to someone you trust is a good first step.⁴

A specialist service can help you make a safety plan before you take any steps. If you are working, you are also entitled to 10 days of paid family and domestic violence leave each year.⁴

When to see a doctor

• You are having nightmares, flashbacks or constant anxiety. See PTSD symptoms
• You feel low, numb or hopeless
• You are finding it hard to sleep, eat or work
• You want to talk to someone and do not know where to start

If you are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. In an emergency, call 000.

See also complex PTSD and PTSD and anxiety symptoms.

References

1. Dutton DG, Painter S. Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: a test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence Vict. 1993;8(2):105-20.
2. Bailey R, Dugard J, Smith SF, et al. Appeasement: replacing Stockholm syndrome as a definition of a survival strategy. Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2023;14(1):2161038.
3. White SJ, Sin J, Sweeney A, et al. Global Prevalence and Mental Health Outcomes of Intimate Partner Violence Among Women: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Trauma Violence Abuse. 2024;25(1):494-511.
4. healthdirect. Domestic violence and abusive relationships.
5. healthdirect. Emotional abuse.
6. Australian Bureau of Statistics. Personal Safety, Australia, 2021-22.